New Year, Stronger Bonds: Expressing Your Needs to Ease Relationship Tensions
The start of a new year can bring heightened emotional challenges for many, especially in relationships. In fact, the first Monday of January, often referred to as “Divorce Monday” is historically one of the busiest days for family solicitors in the UK. This trend highlights how post-holiday pressures such as financial strain, family dynamics, and unmet expectations can weigh heavily on couples.
For individuals with ADHD, these challenges can feel even more overwhelming. ADHD often comes with a whirlwind of emotions, thoughts, and impulses that make it difficult to express personal needs effectively. Fear of upsetting others or being misunderstood can lead many to bottle up their emotions. However, suppressing these feelings doesn’t resolve them. Instead, they can manifest as sleepless nights, physical tension, or emotional exhaustion, and in some cases, may result in heated outbursts or deep regret.
As Louise Hay eloquently states in You Can Heal Your Life, “When emotions are suppressed, they eventually manifest as dis-ease in the body.” The good news is that expressing your emotions in a constructive, thoughtful manner can not only strengthen your relationships but also improve your overall mental and physical well-being.
This guide provides a nurturing, step-by-step approach to help you communicate your needs with clarity and compassion, fostering healthier, more fulfilling connections.
A Client’s Journey: Finding Clarity Together
A client once shared their experience of feeling disconnected in their relationship, leading to feelings of rejection and frustration. After a challenging conversation, they sought a better way to communicate their emotions and needs.
Together, we developed a thoughtful approach that included:
- Beginning conversations with reassurance about their commitment to the relationship.
- Using “I” statements to express feelings without assigning blame.
- Sharing clear, specific needs, such as uninterrupted quality time.
- Acknowledging external stressors, like busy schedules or seasonal pressures, to foster understanding.
- Apologising for past missteps to rebuild trust.
- Collaborating with their partner to create actionable solutions.
This approach allowed them to reconnect and prioritise their partnership. By focusing on honest, compassionate communication, they strengthened their bond and created a foundation for future understanding.
Start with Reassurance
Set a positive tone by affirming the value of your relationship. Let the other person know your intention is to strengthen your connection, not to create conflict.
“I deeply value our relationship and all we’ve built together. I’d like to share something because it’s important to me that we stay close.”
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Use “I” Statements to Share Your Feelings
Focus on your experience without placing blame. This reduces defensiveness and encourages empathy.
- Instead of: “You never spend time with me anymore.”
- Try: “I feel lonely when we don’t have time together.”
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Be Clear and Specific
When ADHD is involved, clarity is essential. Vague statements can lead to miscommunication, so be direct about what you need.
- “I’d love for us to set aside one evening a week just for us.”
- “Could we plan events together so I don’t feel overwhelmed?”
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Acknowledge External Stressors
Show empathy by recognising factors like stress or seasonal pressures that might affect your relationship.
“I know this time of year can feel chaotic. Maybe that’s why we’ve felt out of sync lately.”
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Apologise When Necessary
If your ADHD symptoms have contributed to tension, acknowledge them and apologise sincerely.
“I’m sorry if my impulsive comment upset you. I’m working on improving how I communicate.”
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Collaborate on Solutions
After sharing your needs, invite the other person to brainstorm solutions with you.
“How do you feel about what I’ve shared? What can we do to feel more connected?”
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End on a Positive Note
Close the conversation with gratitude and optimism.
“Thank you for hearing me out and talking this out with me, I feel so much better now that I’ve got this off my chest and I’m excited about our relationship again.”
Thinking clearly in the moment:
Many people with ADHD find it very difficult to think clearly in the moment, and it helps to have what you want to say written down so if you do go blank, or find yourself going off subject, you have an aid memoire to remind you what you want to say.
You can literally use it as a script to plan the structure of the conversation. You don’t have to stick to the script religiously, but having this structure written down will help you a great deal to make sure you know what the important points are and how you want to communicate them. Some people may be worried about having a conversation of this nature from notes, however you could introduce it by reiterating that your relationship is so important that you’ve taken the time to think about and write down what you want to say so that you can work together to find a positive outcome.
A Word of Caution
While these strategies often improve communication, they may not resolve every issue. In some situations, deep-seated challenges or persistent conflicts may require the help of a professional. If you’re unsure, consider reaching out to a relationship counsellor or mediator.
Resources for Support
Here are some trusted UK organisations offering relationship help:
Why This Works
Research supports structured communication strategies, such as using “I” statements and collaborative problem-solving. Studies from journals like the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy show that empathy and clarity enhance connection and reduce conflict in relationships.
Final Thoughts
Expressing your needs, especially when navigating the unique challenges of ADHD, may feel daunting at first. However, each small step toward better communication builds stronger, healthier relationships. By practicing clarity, compassion, and collaboration, you can foster deeper connections with those who matter most.
Remember, you don’t have to navigate this journey alone. Whether it’s learning to express your emotions, managing ADHD-related challenges, or creating a more structured, fulfilling life, support is available. Working with an ADHD coach can provide tailored strategies to help you articulate your feelings, rebuild trust, and strengthen your relationships.